A little place to share the mayhem which is my life. Welcome to the madhouse, please enjoy your stay :D

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

And then there were two….

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
So that you could have the good
Narration to Rihanna’s  We Found Love
“The Teen” (I really need to try and come up with another name for him *lol*) and I have been making some adjustments over the last few days since the household is now less one person.
He has been doing pretty good considering. I will never cease to be amazed by him. For someone so young, he is very wise. and has an amazing strength (even if he has no muscles to speak of *lol*, ) I have developed a strength of my own over the last while. Not sure if it has to do with my wonderful meds or the fact I am tired of being used, abused and tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage. Maybe it’s a combination? Who knows, but whatever is giving me the strength to keep going despite the world seeming to fall down around me, is an amazing thing as well.
So “the teen” and I are embarking on yet another new, epic adventure. For me it is the world of being a single mom for the first time but instead of feeling like a single mom of a child with a husband, I am the single mother of just my own child.  Over the years it has certainly felt like I was a single parent with not much emotional support from my husband. I always chalked it up to me growing up faster than him when I got pregnant at 19. I knew there would be some hardships having a child so young but I just felt in my heart it was the right thing to do.
I don’t regret for a single moment the decision I made to keep my son. I loved him from the moment I realized I was pregnant. Sure there have been times I have wondered what my life would have been like if I had chosen a different path (honestly who doesn’t think that at some point in their life?) but then he does something absolutely amazing like running up and giving me a huge hug and says “I love you mom” or just being…well, in the simplest form…..himself. I see such potential in him and want him to do his best at everything.
He seems to be adjusting well to not having his dad around. We had a long heart to heart on the weekend and spent a lot of time together. He told me that he likes how we have been spending so much time together and I am not the way I was pre-meds. (I wish my stubborn rear would have gotten myself to the doctor years ago.) He knows I suffered from depression and I am on medication. I don’t want to hide things from him, I want to protect him, naturally, mama bear comes out in full force when I think he might get hurt but I also don’t believe in hiding some topics from children.
Things might have been different for me had my mother shared things with me and not made me feel like depression was something to be ashamed of or something you snap out of . I do worry about him because both my husband and I have suffered from depression and I worry that my son will also, which is why I talk to him about it. Especially now that he is entering his teen years which can be the worse time for some kids. He knows he can come to me about anything and I am glad he feels comfortable doing so. Most kids wouldn’t which I think is sad.
I am surprisingly well considering everything that is going wrong in my life right now but I expect nothing less from the madhouse which is my life. There is always something going on. I am concentrating on keeping myself healthy and strong so I can be there for my son and be a better mom. A wise woman told me recently that I need to find happiness to be a great mom to my son and overall a great person, because if I am empty I have nothing  left to give to anyone else. I never thought of it like that before.
This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking, which is easy to do when you aren’t constantly in fear and limbo. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea what the future is going to bring but I feel better able to handle it with some breathing space. Having my husband in the house, in a relationship with another woman was draining me of everything. I kept praying he would pull his head out of his rear and realize what he was doing to me and his son but instead he chose her, someone he has never met.  He isn’t the man I fell in love with, I don’t know him anymore, and that makes my heart break.
Even though my heart is shattered and I feel like it might never be whole again, I must hold my head high and carry on as best I can, for my son. I am not afraid anymore because I know we deserve more. I do miss my husband, but I miss who he used to be. The man I fell in love with is gone. All the wishing in the world, won’t bring him back, to turn back time. I can only go forward and hope one day to find someone that loves me for me, madhouse and all.  I’m worth it and so is my son.
Hugs and kisses from the madhouse