A little place to share the mayhem which is my life. Welcome to the madhouse, please enjoy your stay :D

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A week of Epicness….

Happy Weekend all!
Been a pretty busy week for me actually. Spent a lot of time out of the house and in bed if that is completely possible *lol* and no not at the same time or with other people, despite what  “the husband” has been accusing me of.  Seriously, just because I leave the house doesn’t mean I am sleeping around. He is one to talk with his cyber-wife on the phone all the time. 
Less fighting with “the husband” then normal but I chalk that up to not being in the house, or frankly my not giving a damn about what he thinks. Mind you we did have an epic fight right before my therapy appointment on Wednesday evening. Surprise, surprise he was being a gigantic a-hole because “skanky hobag” was on the phone again and he had to look like the big, strong man to her by calling me names and accusing me of insane sh*t. But what else can I expect from someone that has a cyber-wife. *eyeroll* 
So therapy this week was interesting. My therapist requested that I bring “The Boy” in so after much argument he finally agreed to come with me. I told him he didn’t have to talk to her if he didn’t want to but he was coming with me. He threw himself down in the huge chair, sulking while my therapist asked me how things have been since my last appointment and if I completed my homework. I didn’t get good marks on the homework front, however. I was always good at homework in school but life homework is not my forte.
One of my homework assignments was to decide if I wanted to stay in my marriage. To be completely honest I am still undecided which is why I failed on the rest of my homework. How am I supposed to complete homework that rests on that decision? I know I can’t continue as things have been but I don’t know if I want to completely give up either. I know , I know I sound weak. How do you walk away from 16 years of being with someone you loved? It is not easy and I still am trying to decide if I want to stick it out and hope he pulls his giant head out of his a$$ or if I want to walk away. I don’t think this makes me a bad person. I think this makes me human. Change is scary, and I have never been particularly good with it.  Hence the need for therapy and anxiety meds >.<
So there I am talking to my therapist when “The Boy” suddenly speaks up and says “my dad says he loves me and cares about me but if he really loved me and cared about me then he would have been gone by now, instead of staying in the house and pissing off my mom” There was such anger in his voice. It surprised me. I know this situation hasn’t been easy on him but until this point he hasn’t really showed much emotion about it. He continued to make statements as I talked to my therapist and I let him speak and get his feelings out.
I have offered to find someone for him to talk to but until now he has refused to speak to anyone and I didn’t want to force it and stress him out more. I figure he would come to me in his own time. He knows he can come to me with anything and I have been as honest as I can about what is going on. I think it is bad to try and hide things from children. Yes it is a hard situation but they aren’t stupid and deserve to have their feelings heard and respected.
Do I hate that he is in pain over this? Hell yes, I do, but I think it is worse to keep him in the dark about things. There is nothing worse than that feeling and I don’t want to do that to him.
I think taking him to see my therapist helped him. He seemed more relaxed afterward and it felt like we bonded in a way. I am not the only one dealing with someone that is supposed to love me and is ignoring me for another woman. My son is going through it too and he is hurting just as much as I am over this. It kills me that this is happening.
My family doctor actually said that this happening was probably a good thing because in all the years I have been seeing her she has never seen me as animated has I have been since I first discovered “the husband” was talking to the “Texan skankbag” She said I seemed to be just going through the motions before but since April she has seen anger, frustration, tears, passion and so much more. She thinks I need to take this and learn from it, I think she is right.
I have learned to appreciate more since all this has happened. I have learned I am a passionate person and deserve so much more than I have been just living with. I have been going out and finding things to do and things I enjoy and I think it is getting on “the husband’s” nerves. If the last couple of days is any indication. He actually asked me on a date, he asked me in text but he still asked. He also has been a lot friendlier to me since Wednesday as well.
Don’t worry, I have no intention on swooning and going back to the status quo. If he is truly serious about working things out then he needs to prove it. I have realized that I can’t save my marriage on my own and until this week he didn’t seem to have any interest in it. Right now I am trying to determine if he is just acting like he wants things to work out or if he actually wants to. Only time will tell.
So I am going to leave off with a picture of me taken this morning after an epic, marathon sleep session.  A rare glimpse of me, in bed. Whoa, calm those horses down boys, it’s not that kind of picture.  *lol*
This is me after about 14 hours of sleep. Yes you read that right, 14 hours. Seems my body decided I needed sleep or something. It’s not used to me being out so often or working out. *lol* Thursday night, mainly out of frustration, I decided to burn off some steam by working out. Seems my body decided I needed to recoup from that.
I do have to say this is the best pic of me after having just woken up *lol* Normally I resemble something that crawled out of a grave, of course that is usually after about 3 hours of sleep. Hmmmm, I wonder what that says about my sleeping habits. *scratches chin, in deep thought*
Well have a great rest of the weekend all. I am off to work out some more.
Hugs and smoochies from the madhouse.

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