….since I had my miscarriage.
It has been a hard 2 months. Many ups and downs and many, many tears. Four years we tried with no success and finally I just couldn’t take it anymore and said enough was enough and I was done with trying. I honestly thought I was broken and not able to get pregnant at all so imagine my surprise when I was late and took a test and those two little pink lines appeared saying “Yes, my dear you are indeed pregnant”
So many emotions and so many questions but I was so excited and terrified that something would happen. I was no longer 19 years old. So I did everything to keep my precious gift safe and healthy but it wasn’t enough. At the end of September and about 10 weeks pregnant I started spotting and it all went downhill from there.
Now it is two months later and while I am physically healed and back to normal my emotions are still in flux. I have my good days and my bad but I am trying to cope. I was in a really dark place the first few weeks after, hating everything and everyone. I was told this was to be expected and to not hold back feeling what I was feeling and not to let anyone make me feel guilty for having the feelings I would have. I needed to feel everything and not run from those feelings in order to heal. Most of my friends understood that it was just me really hurting and it was nothing personal.
I had been told all kinds of phrases such as “God only gives us what we can handle”, “things happen for a reason”, “you need to snap out of it and move on”, “Pain makes you stronger” but I didn’t want to hear any of that. All I wanted and needed was hugs and to be told it was going to be ok. I understand people were just trying to help but some of the things people said to me during those first few weeks just made me more upset.
No one knew how to act around me and I felt it. All I wanted to do was cry and lash out at the world and in the middle of all this a childhood friend of mine and his wife decided to lash out at me on facebook over a misunderstanding, a grammatical error, if you will. None of that matters anymore. Things were said and they chose to cut me off and while I do miss my friend I refuse to feel guilty for grieving. Grieving makes you do and say stupid things but sometimes those things need to be done to get through. I honestly don’t think trying to forget what you are feeling, hiding from those feelings and sticking your head in the sand and hope it all goes away because it will make the people around you feel more comfortable is the best thing. Real friends wouldn’t give up on someone just because they are in a bad place. Real friends understand that people make mistakes and are human.
So I lost my baby and a really good friend in the span of a month and a few days. The last few weeks, however; have been easier. I still feel down some days but not as much as before. I was actually almost feeling normal again, but this week would have been the week I would be finding out if I was having a boy or a girl. It is also the week of my birthday so it would have been a great birthday gift. Instead I get to hear what gender my friend is having (her and I were due the same week) on my birthday and I just found out this evening that my cousin and his wife is expecting. I am so happy for them and so appreciative of the fact he let me know himself instead of hearing it from someone else. He didn’t treat me with kid gloves like other people around me have.
Am I a little sad hearing the news, of course I am. I don’t think any woman who has lost a much wanted baby wouldn’t be upset by that news. Doesn’t mean I am not happy for them but I am sad that I won’t get to feel my baby moving and growing and that first glimpse of he/she after they are born.
I am lucky enough to have one child, whom I love will all my heart. He was so excited to be a big brother and it broke my heart to have to tell him that I lost the baby. He seemed pretty accepting of it. Children are amazing creatures and I am sure he will be fine. Of course after this I have become a little paranoid and worried something could happen to him too. I really need to stop thinking that way because it will drive me to the madhouse, literally.
So what can I say after these last two months…. I am breathing a little easier, smiling again, and feeling a little hopeful, with the help of a handful of really great and patient friends. I pray it lasts but I can only concentrate on day by day right now. I am sure I will still have up and down days. From all the ladies I have spoken to and doctors as well, it is normal and I need time to heal and get past this because no matter how small a loss is a loss, especially when that baby was as wanted as this one was.
Still not sure we will try again. I think it might be the end for me in regards to pregnancy and while it does make me sad that my family doesn’t feel fully complete, I do have one wonderful child who amazes me each and every day and well he is growing into quite the handsome young man. I always have grandchildren (in maybe 15-20 years maybe) to look forward to right *lol*
My goal is to get through this week. Get through my birthday and try to find peace. Christmas is coming soon and it will take all my energy to tackle that. Christmas doesn’t just happen. Would be helpful if we could borrow some of Santa’s Elves to help decorate and wrap gifts *lol*
Oh and before I forget. My apologies if my grammar is off. It is 1:30am here and I have had a long day today but I really felt the need to get this out. I have learned in my 30+ years not to keep things bottled up because it isn’t healthy. Some don’t like this approach but I say that is their problem not mine. I do what is best for me to keep my sanity and today I had a set back in my progress but I am not giving up.
Hugs from the madhouse