They say when one door closes another opens. Baker has said he never completely closes doors but given our conversation yesterday, it would seem he does.
I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks since last talking to Baker, prior to speaking with him yesterday, of course. It is amazing how taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different angle can change your outlook.
At one point I thought he and I were perfect for each other but after telling him I couldn't be friends with him and blocking him, (as well as his ex, for good measure) I was able to think clearly and came to the conclusion he wasn't the greatest guy for me after all. I never truly felt comfortable being myself while talking to him, always on edge, afraid to say the wrong thing. I felt psycho-analyzed by him constantly and it was starting to grate on my nerves. Not to mention the fatherly lectures I would get. I already have a dad, thank you.
Ladies, you should feel comfortable being you and not up on egg shells, in fear of what he will think of you. The right guy will accept you for who you are. You shouldn't have to watch what you say for fear of his reaction. I never knew what to say when talking to Baker because I didn't want to scare him off and the fact of the matter is I wouldn't have scared him off if he truly cared about me. If he truly cares for you then he will want you in his life and to work with you. Otherwise, you are just wasting time.
Also ladies don't get involved with men that are still hung up on their exes, even if they say you can start off as friends first and work toward a relationship. If they tell you they just got out of a relationship or they still have feelings for their ex, take my advice and walk. There is no room for you in his heart until he is ready to let go. I fell into that trap and I am passing on the knowledge I have gathered from my latest foray into the world of men. If you are looking for just friends, then by all means go ahead, however, those of you hoping for relationships tread carefully.
It honestly felt like I was just a place holder until his ex was available again. He said that wasn't the case but his actions spoke otherwise. His fave saying was "Words are pretty, Actions speak louder" so why would he think I wouldn't consider that possibility when that is how it looked to me and others around me.
Yesterday Baker told me that I would get over this and he and I can't be friends. I think it is cute that he thinks I am still hoping he and I can have a relationship of some kind. I gave up that thought a long while ago and talking to him yesterday just confirmed that for me. I just wanted my book back and to be done with it. As for us being friends, I know we can't be friends, which is why I told him last time I spoke with him that we can't be friends.
He is choosing to go backward and I choose to move forward. I wouldn't dream of going back to my ex and I was with him for a helluva lot longer than Baker was with his ex and we have a biological child together. I think it is commendable that Baker wants to be there for children that aren't his biologically. There are too few men that can be there for someone else's children. It was one of the things I liked about Baker. I have met so many men that bolt as soon as I mention "the teen" and Baker didn't. It blinded me to all the other faults, however.
Having him going back toward his ex after listening to him bitch about how miserable she made him just boggles my mind and even if he said we could be friends, I wouldn't just for that reason. Personally I think it is a disaster in the making, if they do end up getting back together. It would be like me taking back my ex. *Shudder*
I know that this doesn't lessen who I am as a person. I don't understand his decision completely but I am not beating myself up over it. There is nothing I could have done as long as he was hung up on his ex and it doesn't mean she is better than me, or she won, just that he is hung up on her and couldn't see me because of it. I know for next time not to get involved with someone in that situation, simple as that.
I do feel sorry for the next guy that attempts to start something with me. Not only does he have to prove to me that he is worthy of my time, he also has to prove to the Teen as well. The Teen was actually disappointed because he said Baker seemed like a good guy but he just ended up turning out to be a douche in the end and I could do a lot better. I am raising a wise child.
The teen doesn't believe in playing with a girl's feelings. He has an interesting outlook on dating. He says dating is for finding a spouse and if you aren't planning on settling down any time soon, why date? I am very proud to know he won't be one of those guys that plays girls.
So all in all I am feeling pretty good. I think Baker expected something more in terms of a reaction to his speech but I really don't feel anything for him. What's done is done and you can't go back. Now there is room in my life for someone that wants to be in it and when I least expect it they will appear. Until that time comes I will continue to do things that bring me joy and creating me and it will be fantastic :)
Hugs and Smoochies from the Madhouse.
<3 Arawynn <3