A little place to share the mayhem which is my life. Welcome to the madhouse, please enjoy your stay :D

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Down the rabbit hole….

Having a hard time making time to sit down and type out my thoughts lately. Would help if they weren’t all over the place like a bunny on speed. To be quite honest, I have often felt like Alice after falling down the rabbit hole and having the Queen of Hearts chasing me shouting “OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!!” at full volume. It is amazing how quickly a fairytale can turn into a nightmare. *sigh*
In an attempt to quiet the craziness that is my mind I had gone to see my family physician about anxiety medication. Zoloft here I come. As much as I loathe the idea of being on medication I came to the conclusion I needed something to deal with the increased panic attacks I had been experiencing, and depression I have been feeling since my miscarriage last fall. I have to say for the first time in a decade I feel like I can finally breathe again. It is an amazing feeling to be sure. On that note however it has also made me very aware of things I just refused to acknowledge previously, whether it be denial or just too preoccupied with what was going on inside my own mind, I just didn’t see. I saw my doctor again yesterday for a follow up appointment and a mini marriage therapy session with the hubby and she feels I am in need of a stronger dose. I was definitely not thrilled with the prospect but I am tired of feeling like crap and scared of feeling. My marriage is suffering terribly for it and it breaks my heart. 
So I am currently working on fixing me and finding some happiness in this crazy, chaotic world we live in. I sincerely hope that my marriage can survive this. My doctor said she sees a lot of love, honesty and respect  between us and while she says we do have issues they are nothing that can’t be fixed and our marriage become stronger as a result.
They say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I have no idea who “they” are but I sometimes wish he didn’t have so much confidence in me.  This past year has been pretty hard on me, actually the past 12 years have been pretty hard on me. Such is the life of a young parent. Would I change any of it? Not for a second, I love my husband and adore our son. Have I had periods where I imagined how my life could have been different? Naturally, but what if’s are a dangerous thing and usually when those thoughts creep into my mind they fade quite quickly when my son comes up and hugs me and says “I love you mom”.  There is no greater feeling in the world. He was unplanned but he is very much loved and wanted.
In closing I will share something I came across on one of my Facebook friend’s status today.
People were created to be loved.
Things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in CHAOS,
is because things are being loved,
and people are being used.

It definitely is food for thought. I have often felt this way in regards to both my husband and some of my friends. I am probably guilty of it sometimes myself. My husband often comments that I can’t throw anything out and I am a packrat. I always said it is sentimental reasons and paranoia stemming from my childhood of losing everything I own. But things can be replaced, the people you love, however, can’t be. I think in the coming weeks I will finally tackle the job I have been dreading for a long while now. Going through all my stuff and getting rid of things I don’t need. Maybe then my madhouse won’t be so maddening.
Until next time….

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