Ain’t that the truth?
I am really trying to use the lyrics to Cheers (I'll drink to that) by Rihanna as of late, as a motivational tool. It has a lot of truths to it and when I am feeling down I will put it on my player and dance and sing to it until I feel better. Doesn’t usually take long.
I was sitting around miserable for way too long. I let life get to me and instead of appreciating the wonderful things around me I got caught up in the daily grind of worrying and stressing about what people thought of me and trying to please everyone and the end result ended up with me being a very bitter and cynical person and that is not who I want to be so I am working on changing that.
One thing having my husband decide a woman in Texas that he has never met was more important then his wife and son has taught me is that I deserve to be happy, as does “the teen”. Yes our lives have been completely turned upside down and each day something new happens to attempt to bring me down but I am taking things day by day and concentrating on making sure “the teen” has what he needs and is safe.
Despite everything going on in my life right now I have come to realize I am actually happy. I feel good about myself each day I accomplish something new. Something I may not have done because I was worried what someone would think or what “the husband” would say. I haven’t been alone, really, since I was 13 years old and had my very first boyfriend. I always thought you “needed” someone to “be” someone which seems quite silly now when I think about it.
I love my husband, or rather, loved my husband. He is no longer the man I fell in love with, the man I married and wanted to grow old with. I was heartbroken when I discovered his betrayal, I was terrified of losing him and tried everything to “save” our marriage but he didn’t care so I got to the point where I basically wondered “Why bother?” Yes, maybe not the greatest mind set to have when you want to save your marriage but I also know I couldn’t live like I had been. What he was doing was abusive to me and my son and neither of us deserved that.
Something clicked in my head and I realized that I was tired of being a doormat. Tired of being the one that “had to change” when he got to do whatever he wanted. I lost friends and family because I believed in our relationship, believed he really loved me and wanted to be with me and our son and be a family. But it was all lies. I am not a piece of property to be used and abused and tossed aside when someone is bored. I am a human being with feelings and I deserve to be treated with respect and to be happy. I don’t belong under someone’s control and under their thumb but free to be me and be beside someone that loves me for me.
I am well aware that I can be a lot for some people to handle. I have opinions, I can be very blunt and very passionate about topics. I don’t make friends very easily, mostly because I have been too scared to be “me” for fear that people won’t like me or think I am stupid because I have heard nothing but “you’re so effin stupid” for years, to the point that I was beginning to believe it. I am not the smartest person in the world but I am definitely not “stupid” I caught on pretty quick that my husband was up to something with this woman, in fact I knew the day after he asked her to be his gf. I just knew in my gut he wasn’t telling the truth. If I was stupid like he claims I am, then I would be sitting here blind to his games. Maybe that is what he wanted. For me to stupidly be oblivious to his deception and let him do what he wanted and he could have his little play thing in Texas as well as me and his family here. He isn’t the first man to think this and I highly doubt he will be the last.
So I am being “me” now and to hell with what people think of me. Ya can’t please everyone and I am done trying to. It is EXHAUSTING especially when nothing you do makes them happy.
I deserve to be happy and loved for “me” and all my craziness. Honestly life is pretty boring without a little “crazy” in it. Some of the best people are a little crazy, when you think about it. People telling them they are crazy for having an idea and they are crazy to think outside of the box and whatnot. We wouldn’t be where we are now in society with the advancements if it weren’t for some of those “crazy” people. So if people want to consider me “crazy” for having different opinions and for thinking differently then so be it. I am not longer going to let their negativity get to me and squash my creativity and love for life.
I was dead inside but I have found a new outlook on life thanks to the last 8 months and all that has transpired. It got really bad right before he left and I was terrified. I still am to an extent but I am not letting my fear rule me any longer. They say “things happen for a reason” and “it is always darkest before the dawn” (whomever they are), we are living proof of that. My son and I had to go through something horrible to see the light and we are in the dawn of a new stage in our lives and I plan on living every day to it’s fullest. There is so much I want to experience, for both me and my son and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful and that with the love and support from “the teen” I have been given a new strength. “I CAN DO THIS” and “WE CAN DO THIS” are my new phrases.
I have also decided I quite enjoy being single and not having to fuss over a man (other than my son, of course) I don’t have to ask permission to buy something. I don’t have to ask permission on what to have for dinner. I don’t have the disappointment when he can’t be bothered to spend time with me or something I do goes unnoticed, or being used as a blow up doll and ignored and a whole list of other things. I haven’t been single for an extended period of time in the last 20 years. I was with my husband for 16 of those years, so I think it is time I work on me so that my next relationship has me in a much healthier and happier place. This time, hopefully with someone that wants the same things as me, loves me for “me”, loves my son and won’t lie or hurt me or my son.
So I am not actively looking for love atm, I have a lot to work on and take care of before I go there and I do enjoy being single for the moment. I have my good days and my bad days (who doesn’t) but I am more confident in myself and know when the time is right good things will happen. Gotta run now and do some toning (part of working on myself is getting this body in top form ^.~ )
Hugs and Smoochies from the Madhouse
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