Down the rabbit hole….

Having a hard time making time to sit down and type out my thoughts lately. Would help if they weren’t all over the place like a bunny on speed. To be quite honest, I have often felt like Alice after falling down the rabbit hole and having the Queen of Hearts chasing me shouting “OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!!” at full volume. It is amazing how quickly a fairytale can turn into a nightmare. *sigh*
In an attempt to quiet the craziness that is my mind I had gone to see my family physician about anxiety medication. Zoloft here I come. As much as I loathe the idea of being on medication I came to the conclusion I needed something to deal with the increased panic attacks I had been experiencing, and depression I have been feeling since my miscarriage last fall. I have to say for the first time in a decade I feel like I can finally breathe again. It is an amazing feeling to be sure. On that note however it has also made me very aware of things I just refused to acknowledge previously, whether it be denial or just too preoccupied with what was going on inside my own mind, I just didn’t see. I saw my doctor again yesterday for a follow up appointment and a mini marriage therapy session with the hubby and she feels I am in need of a stronger dose. I was definitely not thrilled with the prospect but I am tired of feeling like crap and scared of feeling. My marriage is suffering terribly for it and it breaks my heart. 
So I am currently working on fixing me and finding some happiness in this crazy, chaotic world we live in. I sincerely hope that my marriage can survive this. My doctor said she sees a lot of love, honesty and respect  between us and while she says we do have issues they are nothing that can’t be fixed and our marriage become stronger as a result.
They say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I have no idea who “they” are but I sometimes wish he didn’t have so much confidence in me.  This past year has been pretty hard on me, actually the past 12 years have been pretty hard on me. Such is the life of a young parent. Would I change any of it? Not for a second, I love my husband and adore our son. Have I had periods where I imagined how my life could have been different? Naturally, but what if’s are a dangerous thing and usually when those thoughts creep into my mind they fade quite quickly when my son comes up and hugs me and says “I love you mom”.  There is no greater feeling in the world. He was unplanned but he is very much loved and wanted.
In closing I will share something I came across on one of my Facebook friend’s status today.

People were created to be loved.
Things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in CHAOS,
is because things are being loved,
and people are being used.

It definitely is food for thought. I have often felt this way in regards to both my husband and some of my friends. I am probably guilty of it sometimes myself. My husband often comments that I can’t throw anything out and I am a packrat. I always said it is sentimental reasons and paranoia stemming from my childhood of losing everything I own. But things can be replaced, the people you love, however, can’t be. I think in the coming weeks I will finally tackle the job I have been dreading for a long while now. Going through all my stuff and getting rid of things I don’t need. Maybe then my madhouse won’t be so maddening.

Until next time….

HUGS AND KISSES

Canada Day…

Well it is July… and a long weekend. Who can complain about that?
Canada Day was July 1, and it was a gorgeous day for a birthday party  =D  My son woke me up pretty early, chatting away about video games and whatnot. I frequent occurrence in our household. *lol* Hubby had wanted to get up early and hit up the movie theatre for some Transformer 3 3D action. We figured it being Canada Day and all that everyone would be heading downtown for the festivities and the theatre would be pretty empty. There were throngs of people heading downtown in a sea of red and white. It was nice to know we were heading in the opposite direction to the crowd for celebrators.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this great country we live in. I do not, however, enjoy large groups of people. They tend to make me anxious and I prefer to avoid it as much as humanly possible. =P
The theatre was surprisingly busy, seems others had the same idea as us. The girl that served us at the concession stand definitely didn’t seem to want to be there however. She reminded me of an angry Cindy Lou Who. 3D glasses and food in hand we headed off to claim our seats. Transformers 3 was AWESOME. We all enjoyed it very much and would love to see it again. Shia LaBeouf was extremely Yummilious. It is a rare occasion where we see a movie and all three of us are happily entertained. After the movie we headed to a Pub close to the theatre and split a tray of nachos between the three of us and some drinks, water for the boy obviously. *lol* Just relaxing in the shade and enjoying the day.

Getting home from the theatre was an adventure to be sure. Seems there was still quite a line to head downtown. Half naked girls and painted guys stood in line at the bus stop. There was one group of guys who were pretty riled up and obnoxious. I spotted one of them drinking a beer. We ended up taking a long way home to avoid the packed buses heading downtown. It is amazing the people you will meet on the bus. A group of teenage boys got on the bus at one point. They were all decked out and ready to go celebrate. I was chatting with my son when I hear behind me “Why does there have to be so many bus stops?” Oh I fear for the future when I hear things like this. My son shook his head and chuckled since he had heard the comment too.
When the sun started to go down, and armed with cameras, we headed to a nearby park where they hold a firework display every year. The park was packed full of people awaiting the light show. Thankfully this year the weather was fairly cooperative, unlike previous years. I love how the lights across the river play on the river in the dark. So pretty. My son recorded the fireworks but I have misplaced his USB cord so I couldn’t transfer it off the camera so I will share a pic I took with one of my cameras. Still trying to get the timing right with my firework setting on my camera *lol*  Happy Birthday Canada =D

Hugs and Kisses,